So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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