Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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