If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Randomize
