where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
