Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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