What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize