Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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