Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
