Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
