I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
