Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
