If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
