the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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