Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
