We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
