Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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