I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I still have a little drunk in my system
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize