I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
