sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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