I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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