I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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