dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
