Well douche your snatch and let's go!
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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