So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
