First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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