Sry I called you an 8
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
