ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
