For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
