Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
