This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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