Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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