splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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