I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
two words: eviction party
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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