he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
