the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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