The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Vodka?
Forever.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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