Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
