Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
