Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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