I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
