She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize