It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
