would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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