I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
