Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
