I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Randomize
