I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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