party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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