he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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