We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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