i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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