??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
