I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
