thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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