I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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