Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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