the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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