you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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