my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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