You're my little dorito
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
