My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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