I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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