Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
