I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
