Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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