Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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